I feed the birds.

I spend a fortune feeding the birds.

You could, in fact, feed a small third world nation for less than I spend on bird food.

Recently, I thought it would be fun to buy one of those little transparent  feeders you stick on the window, so that you can watch the pretty little blue tits and gold finches and siskins pecking away at the seed at close quarters.

I bought it, went to great lengths to attach it securely to the window at the bottom of the stairs, filled it with seed and suet pellets … and sure enough, within a few hours, the first feathered friend had found it.

A great spotted woodpecker.

Really.  Not a cute little finch or even a little brown job, but a s*dding great woodpecker.

In these light summer mornings, you can lie in bed at 3.30am and listen to it as it attacks the fat balls.  It sounds as if it’s trying to demolish the entire house.