10.10am: That venomous little number to United Utilities wasn’t the first time that I’ve vented my not inconsiderable spleen in writing.

There are – as many of you will know – two mail order/internet stationery companies called Staples and Neat Ideas.

In 2004, Staples was amalgamating with Neat Ideas and total chaos ensued … You couldn’t get any sense from either of them – let alone any stationery. If any stationery DID accidentally appear, it only occasionally bore the remotest resemblance to what you’d ordered. In the end, in desperation, I wrote these two letters – and sent them:

Staples Direct Ltd
P O Box 732
DONCASTER
DN3 1WR

Dear Sirs

Account No. ********

If this is an endurance contest, you win.

I’ve waited on the end of the Customer Service number until I’ve started losing the will to live; I’ve spent what seems like hours of my life typing out and sending increasingly irate faxes, knowing in my heart of hearts that they’re being sucked into a big, black hole. Finally, I’ve been reduced to a good old fashioned letter in the hope that somewhere – in darkest Doncaster – there is a human being who hasn’t been driven totally nuts by working for you.

My problems are these:

(1) We are still holding an A4 desk diary, ordered in October or November, that is unsuitable for our purposes (the illustration in the catalogue was misleading). I have requested instructions on how to send it back for a refund twice now, to no effect. You will understand when I say that I am unwilling to simply send it back to you, never to be heard of again.

(2) Product 369511 – Acme Soft Grip Scissors – 7″ – These were ordered but never delivered, in spite of the fact that they were shown on the packing slip and have been paid for. We would like either the scissors, or a refund. Please. Pretty please. Double pretty please.

If the above two matters could be attended to before:

(a) I become homicidal.
(b) I become suicidal.
(c) I die from an age-related illness.
(d) The charity goes bust.
(e) All of the above.

I would be most grateful.

Yours faithfully (just not very)

————————————————————-

Neat Ideas Ltd
Kirk Sandall Industrial Estate
Kirk Sandall
DONCASTER
DN3 1QU

Dear Sirs

Account No. *******

If it’s your intention to reduce your customers to pathetic, weeping despair – congratulations. You’ve succeeded.

I admit defeat.

I know that there isn’t really anybody on the other end of your Customer Service number and I accept that your fax machines feed pieces of paper straight into shredders.

My one remaining hope is that there is a postman somewhere in Doncaster who knows a way into the building past the man traps, razor wire and machine gun turrets.

On the 28th of October 2004, I ordered a Trodat Impressor P13 stamp (Catalogue Code M7051420) from you.

It never arrived, but its non-arrival was followed, with commendable promptness, by an Invoice for £44.64, which had been taken from our credit card.

To sum up – you have our £44.64 and we have nothing. This is wonderful for you, but not so great for us.

I will settle for either the Trodat numbering stamp I ordered, or a refund – whichever you feel is the most likely to actually happen.

I’d threaten to take my business to Staples, if I hadn’t discovered the reason for the chaos that has enveloped both of you.

I look forward to hearing from you with interest.

Yours faithfully

They both worked. A young woman from Staples rang me up in hysterics and said she was faxing it to everyone she could think of. It may still be in circulation. Neat Ideas just rang to say that they were sending the missing Trodat printer … which duly arrived.

Sometimes, only a scythe will do.