12.20pm:  We received a letter the other day, from a solicitor acting on behalf of United Utilities …

The scenario was as follows:

We received United Utilities’ bill for the water rates after the Christmas/New Year break. It was dated the 22nd of December and eventually arrived on my desk the week beginning the 7th of January. I paid it on the 11th of January.

The following week, the letter from the solicitor arrived threatening court action for non-payment.

I was in a bad mood. I actually wrote the following to make me feel better, but then. eventually (and egged on by Gretchen) I decided to send it – with a copy to Philip Green, United Utilities’ Director:

Complaints Department
United Utilities plc
Haweswater House
Lingley Mere Business Park
Great Sankey
WARRINGTON WA5 3LP

Dear Sirs

I enclose a copy of a seriously irritating letter we’ve received from (solicitor’s name …). It’s not his fault he’s irritating. It’s what he does. He’s a solicitor, poor soul and he has to earn a living somehow. I expect he was probably an irritating child, too.

No … my gripe is with United Utilities and its apparent belief that its customers (oh happy breed …) have nothing better to do with their days than sit waiting with pens poised and chequebooks open for your rates demands to land on their doormats.

Firstly – and I know this may come as a nasty shock to you – out in the real world you aren’t the centre of the universe. I and a lot of other people pay invoices on a regular basis and in strict rotation. You don’t get to shove to the front of the queue just because you’re bigger than everyone else and screaming “Me! Me!”. I paid your last rates demand within a working week of it arriving on my desk and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay it any faster.

What’s more, sometimes people just forget to pay bills. Have you thought of that one? Whatever happened to sending out a simple reminder? Have you the slightest idea what effect a solicitor’s letter could have on an elderly person? Do you, in fact, even care?

Apart from being just one more annoyance in an already annoying world, Solicitors’ letters have zero effect on me – possibly because I used to write them myself when I had the misfortune to work within that benighted profession. More to the point I doubt it has much effect your real targets either, who are presumably your bad debtors.

We won’t even touch on the subject of the money YOU owed US for so long. Did a cheque turn up in the post, by way of reimbursement? Don’t be so bloody daft – of course it didn’t. We just got to run a tab with you for a year, like the regulars down at the King George …

I’ve had just about enough of United Utilities. At the slightest further provocation I’m going to be heading over to www.uswitch.com faster than you can say “Ofwat” …

Yours faithfully …..

I’ve received a reply:

“I acknowledge receipt of your letter … which is receiving attention. I will ask a member of my team to look into the matter and respond to you as soon as possible.”

Watch this space …